Long time no write, LJ buddies. Too much going on here. I don't even know where to start so I won't. But yea, I'm probably getting married soon. See you on the flipside.
He wants to take me to Vegas for his birthday in August.
He wants to take me to India.
He wants to travel the world with me...
... and all at his expense.
I hate having people pay for my stuff, especially unnecessary things like travel. But he makes a lot of money and wants to spend it on me so we can enjoy places together. He almost seems offended when I say no. This is going against my core beliefs.
I like him, but that feeling of pressure makes me want to run away sometimes. I feel pressure from friends, family, and him.
We're going to St. Simon's for the weekend. He treats me like a princess. I'm not used to this. I've never been treated nicely.
But in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Do I want this?"
Many people would say that me even asking that question should be my answer. I disagree. I like him a lot but my initial reaction is to push away and resist. So to me this doesn't mean that it won't work out.
In case anyone is concerned that I'm lying about how busy I am I'm not. I've been working my ass off and I'm sick of taking crap for it.
Here is my daily schedule just to verify: 6:15AM- Wake Up 7:45AM-9AM Get to work and lesson plan 9AM-1PM- Teach 1:30PM-2PM- Work stuff/ Lesson Plan 2PM-5PM- Library (study/grad school hw) 5PM-9:15PM- Grad school class 10PM- Bed
Do you see time for Facebook, Chat, Phone Calls, Dates? No? Me either.
I'm surprised I've managed to date someone for the past 3+ months. I don't know how I've done it but that just shows how much he understands and likes me.
But you might say, so Jackie, what about the weekends? I do my best to make time for friends and family but having to read 25 books by July 6 kinda gets in the way. And that is just ONE of my projects for the class. I'm stretched thin.
So in conclusion, I'm sorry if you feel slighted by lack of attention towards you... so does everyone else. If I could just go to grad school my life would be a lot easier. Don't even get me started on finances...
I HATE writing literary critiques. This class is bullshit. I can't wait for it to be done. I don't care enough about Whitman to write a 15 page critique. I HATE LITERATURE CLASSES.
It's a shame I can't read the poetry without having to disect it and take every ounce of fun out of it. It's also a fucking shame that my professor cares more about my works cited page than the actual content of my work. I don't think he has said one fucking thing all semester about my original ideas. Nope. All of his comments are about my sources and italicizing. I'm glad he loves MLA so fucking much. I don't.
I'm done venting. I'm also very sorry to my literature loving friends. I mean no harm. It's just not for me :-)
-- It turns out I love "Early to bed, Early to rise". -- My friends and I don't have a lot in common. I have a very transcendalist mentality. They don't. But that's why I love them. -- Overall, I'm more content. There are less guilty feelings and questionable motives. -- Sobriety sucks if you're the only one. -- I love learning about new beers but it's hard to do when you can't taste them. -- I'm better (intimitately-- verbal and nonverbal) with the opposite sex when alcohol isn't involved. -- I'm a much better athlete -- I've become addicted to Shirley Temple and caffeine. -- Regardless of alcohol, I still have heartache because I'm not close to my family. -- A beer and a good cry with a friend would have helped to mourn the 1st anniversary of Chris' death. -- Mondays aren't THAT bad.
I think I'm just meant to always feel lonely... even if I'm given all of the love in the world....
In other news: The super-sprint marathon last week in Tampa was a success! I came in 14th out of 160. It was a lot of fun. It makes me want to sell my mountain bike and take up cycling. And as usual, I love my cousins to death.
I love my job. It helps that I also kick ass at my job. I teach ESL to adults. I teach one of the lowest levels. It's very rewarding and fun. I feel like I make a good impact on other's lives on a daily basis. I'm the type of person who needs to know that I'm helping.
Yesterday I found out I was the only teacher with 100% retention. HELL YES! Then a colleague of mine told me that my former students were so well prepared and on level. I appreciated his compliment.
Other than that everything in life is good. I'm a little confused where the month of March went??? 2011 is flying by but I'm definitely enjoying it :-)
I am 7 days into Lent and haven't had a sip of alcohol since the start. I find it very disheartening how people try to tempt me. It's plain rude! I am not doing this for anyone but myself. When you explain to me how you don't agree with Lent or try to tell me that you won't tell anyone if I have one beer, makes me wonder what kind of friend you are. I don't believe people who give up something for Lent do it for others, at least I don't. Friends should be strong for one another regardless of ther own opinion. I actually haven't found it difficult at all so far. Sure, there were times this weekend when I was out with my friends and wished I had a beer but that was all. I still had a fun time and enjoyed their company. In other news: I ran the 10K this weekend. It was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. Considering I haven't done a lot of running since I took up yoga I did a decent job. Before last Tuesday I hadn't run in over a month. I ran the 10K in 59 minutes and something. I'm satisified with that.
I am going down to Tampa in a couple weekends to participate in my cousin's Girl Scout Triathalon. I'm nervous/ excited for this. It's not a real triathalon but it will still be a challenge for me. It's 4 miles of biking, 1 mile run, and 8 laps. Honestly, I just can't wait to see my cousins :-)
I'm giving up alcohol for Lent. I don't think it will be that difficult. It is still a sacrifice for me because I love beer but I'm not an addict :-)
In other news: I've opted out of running the marathon. It turns out that I don't actually like to run and you can't run a marathon if you don't like to run. But for some genius reason I just registered for a 10K this Sunday. Ever since I got serious about yoga I stopped running. This should be an interesting race...
Thank you for the closure you gave me today. Just when I was starting to wonder if enough time had passed for us to be friends you reminded me that it hasn't. And no amount of time in the universe could be enough. Yes, it hurts like hell to have someone say directly to me that they don't want to be friends. Especially when I have shared many secrets with this person. But such is life. I need to hurt to have closure. Thanks to you, I have fuckin closure. It's unfortunate that it takes pain to overcome something but that just means I'm becoming stronger. Soon I will be so strong that no one will be able to penetrate this solid exterior. And when I have lovers in the future, who are worth my time, that can't break me down I can attribute it to you. I greatly appreciate it. Once again, thank you, asshole.
Who knew my therapist/ spiritual counselor/ guru would be the twin of my high school ex-boyfriend?
I cannot explain how he has helped me. He is the ying to my yang. I've needed a friend like this.
Today I spent my Saturday morning doing a quick hike. It was nothing spectacular but it got me excited for warm weather. There was a high of 55 today!
Recently, I've had a lot of inner turmoil but with the help of yoga and Gandhi I'm starting to calm down.
I love Atlanta but I hate it at the same time.
Let's not forget the ever so special month of February... I'm convinced sometime in my life that I will be able to enjoy both of these days without having to be reminded that I don't have a signficant other. -2 days until Vday -10 days until my 26th Birthday
I have a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks.
The Lineup: --Paul Van Dyk concert --Getting another tattoo --Quick visit by a hot guy friend from high school ;-) --Skiing in Tahoe for the weekend (all expenses paid) --Skiing in NC with Brit (all expenses paid) --Jess' Bachelorette weekend! --MY BIRTHDAY!
It's going to be a busy next month.
I deserve to have fun though (not like I haven't been). I've been working my butt off with graduate school and applying for jobs. It's emotionally draining.
I think I've decided to do a marathon. I say think because the idea of doing it pumps me up but I realize it is a major commitment and lifestyle change (for me). The marathon my friend is running in is in Las Vegas in December. She is trying to convince a bunch of us to do it. She has already done 5 so I know she won't back out.
I realize Decemeber is a long way off but I need to start mentally preparing now. Remember, I'm the girl who goes through spurts of working out. I ran 4 miles today for the first time since early November. It felt great! I actually want to go to bed early so I can get up and run tomorrow. Weird, I know.
One good thing about the girls I plan to run with is that they are the girls I go out with. This means we will be on the same page about drinking and running. I don't need to worry about others convincing me to go out when I need to run the next day.
But I do have some concerns about running 26.2 miles. One of my concerns is what will happen to my body. I know many of you will scoff when reading this but it's an issue I have to think about. When training for the marathon in the months before I will be running between 75-100 miles per week. I can only imagine what will happen to my body. I do not want to become one of those skinny runner looking people! But let's face it. I can barely do anything and my body gets muscular. I have to talk to someone about keeping feminine while training.
Another concern of mine is beer. I love beer. I appreciate a good beer. I don't drink beer to get drunk. I drink beer because I like the way it tastes. When I start getting into 75-100 miles per week I cannot be drinking beer. This is what I meant by lifestyle change. Ugh.
Anyway, I just need to write all of this out to make sure I"m not crazy. I will keep my fellow LJs up to date with my progress!
-Jackie
::Addendum:: I forgot to mention how much I can't stand drinking water. This is another part of my lifestyle change. I have to force myself to drink it no matter how gross it is.
Well, it's the 4th "Snow" Day here in the City of Atlanta. I use the term "snow" in a joking way because this is no longer snow. It was snow for about 12 hours Sunday night/ Monday morning. Then it rained and turned EVERYTHING into ice. We are still frozen in most places. I have yet to see a snow plow or salt truck.
I was at Britni's from Sunday evening to Wednesday afternoon. There was no way to go anywhere. I know it's a hard concept to fathom but it's reality. The City of Atlanta has been shut down. Today people are trying to get back to normal but I would say 75% of people are still at home.
Roads are dangerous. Driving my measly 5 miles to home I was scared. There is a good 4 inches of ice on major roads like Peachtree and Piedmont. I understand there are only like 10 snowplows in the entire state but come on! We are a major metropolis, let's get it together.
My 5 New Year Resolutions for 2011 -- Stay in shape (Get back into hiking) -- Don't feel obligated to do things if I know they will make me unhappy (visit Montana) -- Drink less and don't start smoking more green now even thou I'm back in the States -- Become "invisible" -- Travel
New Bucket List Item -- Christmas Eve Midnight Mass Service at the Vatican
I sent my mom a text today which said something along the lines of this,
Me-- 'I'm scared to let you read 'Eat Pray Love'. You may run off and abandon your family. I feel like doing so and I don't even have one haha".
A few minutes later she responds...
Mother-- "It hurts my feelings when you say you say you don't have a family. Choose your words wisely"
I'm taken back by this response. I didn't mean that I don't have parents or sisters. It meant that I don't have babies. All that came to mind was that she feels incredible guilt about me living in Atlanta while they're all in Montana. I have enough to worry about with myself. I can't feel guilty over someone else's guilt. Ridiculous.
I had an epiphany tonight. I'm sitting around on my floor eating pizza and reading, "Eat Pray Love". I'm at the section in the book where she is in India. While I find this part of the book a little boring it is very helpful. It reminds me of my attempts at meditation in Korea.
I sucked at meditation. I find it impossible to not think and calm my mind. The character in the book has the same issues, many people do. As I'm reading about her thought process and the current issues she dealing with it hits me. I figured out what I'm internally struggling with. It's on simple word, CHANGE.
I've known this for a while but what I realized tonight is that I need to learn to deal with it, let it go, and realize life does change. Your friends change, people move, jobs change, sometimes life is easy and sometimes it's hard. None of this is the end of the world. Suck it up. The situation is only as good or bad as you make it.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
gilfred_goi's journal
conflicted
calm
discontent
bouncy
anxious